LinkedIn and the Fine Art of Connecting

If you have ever participated in the business networking site, LinkedIn.com, you know what an odd experience it can be. In theory, it is for networking with present and former colleagues from work or school. Yet, strangers send me invitations to connect as if we were old friends; these are people I don’t recognize. I have been racking my brain to figure out how I know these people. The answer is: I don’t. Is it early-onset Alzheimer’s? No, I have no relationship with these folks, not even a distant one.

Is it just me who is annoyed by being so often tapped on the virtual shoulder by strangers asking you to join their little friendship circle of 500+ connections? I am fascinated by those people with 500+ connections, I don’t think I have ever even met 500 people, and I went to an enormous State University. Well, based upon my inexplicable, new-found popularity online, I am expecting invites to lots of Christmas parties this year!

I guess this is the modern day equivalent of the networking mixer, the Chamber of Commerce get-together, only at least when I go to those things, I can just toss out someone’s business card if I’m not interested in more life insurance or have no immediate need to purchase brick pavers at wholesale prices.

At least offline, you can just make polite small talk with that annoying salesman, sample the cheese and Ritz crackers, then walk away, no harm no foul – you don’t have to Commit. But on LinkedIn, a request for commitment isn’t even preceded by the common courtesy of chit chat – you just get random invitations to form a permanent bond with a stranger, and an acceptance is expected. If you choose to just ignore the request, LinkedIn will keep emailing you reminders that so-and-so is "waiting" for you to connect, as if I'm really letting this guy down, not holding up my end of the bargain. Oy, the guilt! Bam! It’s the business-world equivalent of a Drive-by.

I recently received an invitation to connect from a stranger, with the job title of Phlebotomist. What is the purpose of this connection? Just in case I happen to need blood drawn? (Yikes, I’ve just been in a horrible car crash – thank goodness I know a good Phlebotomist?)

I have no idea how this person knows me. I have gotten invites from a random house painter/handyman, a trade show exhibit consultant, of course insurance salespeople, and more…the question is, how did they even come across my name in the first place?Inquiring minds want to know!

The noble mission of the site is for networking, which was initially a great concept – social networking for the business-minded. It’s a wonderful way to keep in touch with goings on in your industry – you can follow people like heads of corporations you’d never in your lifetime encounter on a personal basis, but can tap into their genius by following their posts, if they choose to use the platform as a public forum, which many do. I have used LinkedIn’s job search section successfully in the past, too, and have heard from old colleagues looking for references (which I was happy to provide).

However, LinkedIn has become more and more lurky, and wins the award for creepiest networking software as they’ve gotten a little carried away. Case in point, the “People You May Know” feature. Have you ever found yourself wondering, how on earth does LinkedIn come up with these suggestions - they've somehow connected me with my tax preparer’s secretary, and suggest I connect with my gynecologist! (I think we are quite familiar enough already, thank you very much) Aren’t we getting a bit invasive here?

It seems LinkedIn’s sole purpose is finding new and exciting ways to discover more Big Brotherish techniques to crawl your inbox and determine friends of friends of friends until they’ve unearthed every potential human being you may have come into contact with since birth. Do I sound anti-social? I'm really not - I'm very friendly! But I guess I just don't like feeling like I'm on some kind of new marketing speed dial just because I've put my profile in a place for professional networking ...with...professionals...professionals that I know, or at least have something in common with, and who aren't trying to artificially form associations in order to really sell me something.

Every time I log in, I'm reminded or people I'd rather forget. I am inadvertently cyber-mugged by people like an ex-boyfriend, or a nasty ex-boss at the very top of my “Suggested Friends” list. The system is really “in your face”, pushing these suggestions at you of someone you have bad memories of is really irritating. It’s kind of like suffering from post-traumatic syndrome, and having to relive the trauma repeatedly over and over again - a familiar face you’d rather not be so familiar with and yet – there they are again!

I finally figured out how to hide certain people, the virtual equivalent of my ducking behind a tree, so I don’t have to be reminded they still exist every time they are paraded by me (Yes, thank you, I’m aware!).

Now, there is a way to establish your “privacy” (and I use the term loosely) settings so that only people who can state they know you from one of your previous employers (chosen from a drop down list of past employers) or schools. This is based on an assumption that one really has worked for those employers, an assumption that most people are honest on their resumes, which I assume most are. Well, some are. Well…I am.

It seems to me pointless to join a networking site, only to hide yourself away in stealth mode; therefore, I allow anyone to approach me with a request. But I can’t help but wonder – is LinkedIn being managed by some super-secret global spamming mechanism that encourages strangers to seek out anyone who appears to have a pulse and invite them to connect? And, if so, when did that become okay? Am I still living in the Dark Ages where one at least introduced oneself before asking to go steady?

In our society, we have gone from thoughtful, hand-written note cards on tasteful, fine stationery, delivered by a gloved hand, to 8 generic words delivered in 10 pt Arial by an email we didn’t even have a hand in personally crafting, which can be fired off at midnight, from a mobile phone, after one too many cocktails. The unknowing victim – er, recipient, now feels obligated to react in some fashion. 

When one unceremoniously receives one of these LinkedIn invitations to connect, from someone unknown, one is now put into the awkward position of feeling pressured, obligated, guilted into adding someone that you don’t even know. (By the way, I don’t know if this is a universal experience, or if only someone raised in Catholic school or a Jewish family could struggle with such guilt over a seemingly innocuous situation.)

So, before you go off willy-nilly shooting invitations all over the Internet to complete strangers, please reconsider. If you don’t know them, and aren’t even attempting to forge a relationship prior to connecting, you’re a Spammer. I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this.

When I extend invitations to connect, I often edit the generic verbiage to make it more personalized. At the very least, I change it to read “Because you are a trusted colleague or friend, I would like to add you to my network on LinkedIn”. This is a good gut-check when I am about to send an invite, and I’m on the fence about whether or not to send it. Because, if they aren’t a trusted colleague or friend, why am I adding them?

For those who think being connected isn’t a big deal, just remember that, your connections will be notified every time you read an article, comment on a post, join a group, view someone’s profile (whether because you know them, or are considering perhaps hiring or working for them,) thanks to the kind of stalker-like tendencies that, if LinkedIn were a human, would have landed them 10 to 20 in the state penitentiary.

If you are going to approach someone you don’t know, kindly put an explanation as to the purpose of your communique beyond the standard “I’d like to add you to my network”. Yeah, I got that…I’m pretty sharp…my first clue was the invitation in my mailbox, so telling me that is rather useless and redundant. 

Perhaps you could take a moment to explain why you are sending an unsolicited invitation, and apologize for the interruption. (e.g. “My apologies in advance for the unsolicited email, but I notice that we share a few friends in common/you are a leader in my industry/are in the XYZ group as I am (whatever, insert purpose of invitation here)… and I thought it would be nice to extend an invitation to connect”). Now really, who wouldn’t appreciate such a lovely gesture?

There’s now a Do Not Call list, so that people cannot solicit you without your permission, but to date, there is no Do Not Invite list. Until there is, we are expected to be open to anyone and anything at any time because…you never know. Some day, I may be in the market for some brick pavers...and I think I know a guy who can get em for me wholesale!